I was having a discussion with a friend the other day about online dating. She agreed there are some silly rules people have when it comes to initial messages and laughed at how we both break them (e.g., avoid political views). In my experience, flirting is generally composed of mundane, safe topics, the attractiveness of profile pictures, and humor. The beginning chats are just that - quick and short exchanges limited in mental engagement and conflict. I'm amazed those conversations ever go anywhere or provide evidence of "chemistry." My scientific skills are lacking but I can only imagine it must be the rejection of objectivity associated with phenomenology [1] instead of "pheromone-ology."

And if the online conversations get you to an initial meeting (I don't consider it a "date" unless there's a kiss involved), why confine yourself to a limited set of matters one is only allowed to discuss early in a relationship? To me, a great indicator of compatibility is the off-limit taboo topics (if you have any, we likely aren't going to be a good match). Intellectual compatibility is just too important to me; I've learned I can't love someone without a high level of mental stimulation and appreciate the poetic sentiment of mature love resulting in the need after the feelings have been experienced. Besides, how else are we to know if there are philosophical disagreements on values that can't be sacrificed?

Needless to say, this cynic has known quite a bit of loneliness. Go figure.

Sure, intercourse is lovely, pleasurable, and important. But I'm with Aldous Huxley when it comes to the physical act: "An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex." Not to discount the requirement that, at all times, men act as gentlemen and women act as ladies, to me, there has to be a meeting of the minds and general (small talk) niceties don't get me to climax. It's the deeper discourse to understand values that turns me on, like where participants follow rational discussion rules and alter their positions (and actions) as they search for truths using the rigor of the Socratic Method. (Let's put aside for a moment this was the guy Plato claimed gave us the contradiction "I know that I know nothing"; it's much more titillating to examine life as the "unexamined life is not worth living.")

These are the (online and offline) romantic encounters I seek. Yes I'm being serious.

Even if the statistics aren't accurate or the arousal doesn't go as far as BDSM, I'd be willing to bet money that such deeper engagement leads to kinkier sex. (Perhaps the administrators at this Cambridge college asking their female students to keep screams of passion more discrete have some better data?) I think sex is more fulfilling when intellectualism is a significant component and maturity has taught me sex without the mind is often a risky waste (although I admit to having had it). Stupid and kinky leaves me wanting even if it's good sex. I'm against the government getting involved in relationships but acknowledge it's not difficult to see the argument of preventing someone from sex without a minimal intellectual capability.

In the context of 3 million first dates every day worldwide, with so many relationships failing, perhaps we aren't having the right types of discussions to understand who a person is and what he/she stands for. Perhaps we should be having more intellectual foreplay in the beginning. Perhaps we should be making love to our partner's mind. Who's with me... and dead prez?

Yeah

Come over here

It's time for some mind sex, we ain't got to take our clothes off yet

We can burn the incense, and just chat

Relax, I got the good vibrations

Before we make love let's have a good conversation

Pardon me love but you seem like my type

What you doin' tonight? You should stop by the site

We could, roll some weed play some records and talk

I got a fly spot downtown Brooklyn, New York

Now I know you think I wanna beat-in, no doubt

But tonight we try a different route, how 'bout we start

With a salad, a fresh bed of lettuce with croutons

Later we could play a game of chess on the futon

See I ain't got to get in your blouse

It's your eye contact, that be getting me aroused

When you show me your mind, it make me wanna show you mines

Reflecting my light, when it shines, just takin' our time

Before the night's through, we could get physical too

I ain't tryin' to say I don't wanna taste, cause I do

But for me boo, makin' love is just as much mental

I like to know what I'm gettin' into

See we could have mind sex, we ain't got to take our clothes off yet

We can burn the incense, and just chat

Relax, I got the good vibrations

Before we make love let's have a good conversation

Whatcha you know about mind sex

African princess, tell me yo' interests

Wait, let me guess boo, you probably like poetry

Here's a little something I jotted down in case I spotted you around

So let me take this opportunity

Would you share a moment with me, over herbal tea?

Take a walk verbally, make a bond certainly

Cuz in my hand I bet your hand fit perfectly

And it's like we floatin' out in space when you flirtin' wit me

C'mon, a little foreplay don't hurt

Imagine my chest under this shirt, that thang under that skirt

It's like walking the hot sands and finding an oasis

Opposites attract that's the basis

Our sex is the wind that separates the yin from the yang

The balance that means complete change, our aim

Is to touch you in a delicate spot

And once we get it started I ain't trying to stop

But first we have mind sex, we ain't got to take our clothes off yet

We can burn the incense, and just chat

Relax, I got the good vibrations

Before we make love let's have a good conversation

Mind sex

She smiles, I smile

She walks, no she glides softly by me changing night into day

She opens her mouth to speak, and so sounds ring in my head

She speaks, and I want to dance to her rhythm

She moves ever so gently, increasing my desires,

As I place my arms around her waist,

Hold and squeeze unto me,

I want to melt into her body, and discover the base of her warmth

Her beautiful black body that no human mind could ever conceive

She's love

She's truth

She's real, as real as the stars that shine in the heavens

As real as the sun that bathes her body,

As real as the moon that glows and the birds that sing and the rose

That blossoms in spring for she is that rose

And not just any rose,

Oh but a black rose,

Black rose that stands tall and stronger than any other plant

A black rose that stands as creator of nations

A black rose

That never loses her petals and blossoms all year round

Black rose,

Sweet rose,

Thornless rose

Eternal rose

Please look my way